Diversions for an Off Day - If Classic Baseball Movies Had Taken Place Today

The Pride of the Yankees (1942)

Lou Gehrig rises to the status of legend by becoming baseball's "Ironman", raising speculation about possible steroid use. In a World Series game, after promising two home runs to a dying boy in the hospital, he delivers both as Joe Buck and Tim McCarver literally explode in the press box. However, facing nervous degeneration as a result of ALS, Gehrig is forced to retire. In the movie's climactic scene, he addresses the Yankee Stadium crowd. Speaking from the owner's luxury box, he announces that the disease has miraculously receded, and he will be returning to play for the Yankees a third of the way through the season for a pro-rated $28 million.


The Bad News Bears (1976)

Washed-up alcoholic Morris Buttermaker turns a misfit Little League team into a champion, raising speculation about possible steroid use. Though it appears the Bears' fortunes will turn around with the arrival of ace pitcher Amanda Whurlitzer and bad-boy Kelly Leak, Whurlitzer is pulled from the team by her father when pictures of the attractive teenager flood the Internet and mainstream publications and are commented on obscenely by lecherous, Net-surfing sports fans/perverts. Leak has his own problems: after being forced from the team upon discovery that he is actually 22, he sends threatening text-messages to his wife and is arrested for marijuana possession during a traffic stop.


Major League (1989)

A team of washed-up ballplayers, crazy hacks and convicts bring Cleveland its first division title in 34 years, raising speculation about possible steroid use. When the team's owner is eaten by starting pitcher C.C. Sabathia, his ex-stripper wife hopes to sabotage the team's season, forcing it to leave Montreal Cleveland for a warmer climate and larger market like, say, Washington DC. After a slow start in which team chemistry is disrupted by pretty-boy third baseman Roger Dorn, who is caught by the media cavorting with an unknown blonde who isn't his wife (next day's headline: STRAY-ROGER); and the team's sole black player, Willie Mays Hayes, accusing Major League Baseball of a racist conspiracy, the club eventually unites against its owner and goes on to win the division crown. Of course, no one gives a shit since it's Cleveland, and ESPN gives more airtime to its exclusive WNBA draft coverage.


Field of Dreams (1989)

A voice in a cornfield inspires Iowa farmer Ray Kinsella to build a baseball field on his property, raising speculation about possible steroid use. Miraculously, members of the 1919 White Sox (more like Black Sox!) emerge from the corn to play their favorite game. A benches-clearing brawl ensues when A.J. Pierszynski attempts to spike Shoeless Joe Jackson.


Rookie of the Year (1993)

12 year-old boy Henry Rowengartner, through a freak accident, is able to throw 100mph pitches, raising speculation about possible steroid use. He is spotted by the Cubs' general manager, who instantly gives him $200 million to pitch for his hometown team. Ignoring the mangled bodies of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood decomposing in the corner of the dugout, Rowengartner goes on to pitch 500 innings in his first year. The movie's climactic moment comes when he strikes out his Mets nemesis Alejandro Heddo, who is fooled by the ball approaching while still attached to Rowengartner's entire forearm. The win secures an unprecedented 70-92 record for the Cubs, and the North Side celebrates by bitching about some goat.