PREGAME
Here I am again, all wistful and teary-eyed because this week's PHC contained a lengthy segment from the broadcast of several years ago from my recent alma mater. The episode was taped before I even went there, but I was there in the audience, and it was the first time I really realized that there wasn't any doubt I'd go there. But, as they say, there's no crying in baseball, so let's focus on today's game with big bad Fausto Carmona. As much as this guy has owned us this year, it's hard to argue that he has the baddest-ass name in baseball. Now that Scott Baker seems to be wearing his man pants, this ought to be a good matchup. Anyone wandering through, please feel free to let me know how it's going in the comments. Here we go...
TOP Of 1ST
Dick points out early on that we have "a Buscher, a Baker, but no candlestick maker" on the field. Baker hears this and, not knowing where else to take out his anger, plunks Dreamboat Sizemore in the right thigh.
Mauer guns down Dreamboat, Baker promptly issues another free pass to Lofton, and Casey smacks it to Buscher for the 3-4-5 DP. Baker owes his entire infield a big hug for allowing him to face the minimum despite a walk and a HBP.
BOTTOM OF 1ST
Two ground ball outs and frankly, I think we got hosed on that last one. Bartlett was half a step past the bag when Garko caught the throw.
Mauer tells Fausto to stuff his sinkerball, but Cuddyer, who apparently didn't get the memo about trying to work this guy's pitch count, pops up to short on the first pitch.
TOP OF 2ND
Travis Hafner looks like he should be a garbage man or construction worker or something. I wouldn't be surprised to see him show up for one of these games in a Day-Glo green and orange vest. Two on, none out, might be another long day for the bullpen.
I swear this lineup has been constructed specifically to frustrate Twins pitching. All they need is to bring in Coco Crisp and Nick Swisher to complete the all-time roster of funny-named light hitters who absolutely demolish us.
Tyner does his best impression of that dude who almost broke both his ankles making a foul catch on a bullpen mound the other night. That thing needs its own warning track.
And Baker pitches pretty admirably out of the inning. Well done, and the Sox are even beating the Tigers again. Smell this one.
BOTTOM 2ND
An inexplicably funny shot of Jerry White and Scott Ullger standing five feet outside of their respective coaches' boxes. Shouldn't they have gotten an electric shock or something?
Morneau down swinging. What the hell has happened to this guy the last few weeks? He looks at too many pitches, takes some really awful swings, and basically exudes zero confidence or intimidation. Could he maybe use the dreaded "day off to clear his head"?
Hunter strikeout, Kubel single, Buscher popout. Twins haven't had a man beyond first base, or on base earlier than two outs. Guh.
TOP 3RD
A moment of silence for my departed bro Lew Ford.
OK, yeah, he sucked. Hopefully he'll be back in September with a fire under his ass.
Is there a reason that historic home runs always seem to be uncharacteristic and disappointing? I remember Big Mac's being a line drive that barely eked over the wall, A-Rod's 500th yesterday was a glorified, wind-aided popup, and I don't remember ever seeing Bonds go opposite field before yesterday. I think it shows that you're incapable of hitting normally when you're under that kind of pressure, and when it does happen it's a bit of an accident.
Oh, and three popups to get Baker out of a 1-2-3 inning.
BOTTOM 3RD
Does anyone else remember when the Twins didn't have a single damn lefthanded hitter, and all everybody wanted was one, just one? Well, be careful what you wish for; now we have Mauer, Morneau (all right), Kubel, Buscher (eh), Casilla and Tyner (ugh), just in today's lineup.
Man on
TOP 4TH
I think I'd need a new set of dishes if I were a Cleveland fan this weekend, between yesterday's 800 men left on base and today's 50 popups in foul territory with a double play thrown in for good measure. Seriously, the Indians have hit six popups in a row. Is this like a bizarro sinkerball that Baker is throwing?
BOTTOM 4TH
Whew, leave it to me to choose a pitchers' duel for my first live blog. Get some men on base, boys, for my sake.
Carmona appears to be intimidating Twins batters with the dreaded "Peek-a-boo" setup. How are you supposed to hit off of a pitcher who ceases to exist until he's already into his windup?
Thank you, My 29, for that shot of Fausto sticking his hands down his pants.
Who writes those Simpsons episode synopses that Dick reads on every Sunday broadcast? It always sounds like someone watched about 30 seconds of the first scene and tried to guess the rest of the plot based on that clip.
Another two-out single for Kubel. That and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee and a benching from Gardy the next time a lefty appears in the bullpen.
Casilla rears back and squeaks, "I'm not Castillo!", and dumps the ball over Kenny Lofton's head for a double. Too bad they put extra Flubber in the FieldTurf for this game and it bounced into the seats, or else it would've scored two.
Tyner, meanwhile, decides that he in fact is Castillo, and grounds out to second.
TOP 5TH
On the other hand, scratch what I said about the Flubber, because it probably saved an inside-the-parker after another ill-advised dive by Torii.
Nice play by Baker fielding the grounder and holding Garko, and Bert can hardly contain his glee. Yes, we all know they're the best athletes on the field, even Dennys Reyes.
Peralta chases the high cheddar. and Scotty's one out away from pitching around that pesky double.
Nicely done, Scott. I was there for last year's infamous Nutty game, and I never thought he'd recover. Way to show that jock strap who's boss!
BOTTOM 5TH
Poor Cuddyer, can't seem to ever get it right. After getting outs by swinging at the first pitch in his first two at-bats, he chooses to watch two juicy fastballs go by and hack at an inside slider. Keep chasing that rainbow, Dimples.
6TH INNING
Lofton listening to his own personal Harvey Keitel, but maybe it just turned out to be Colonel Klink. Either way, he's gunned down at 2nd, and Mauer gets another hug in the dugout, along with possibly the 3nd base umpire.
A Jesse Crain sighting! I've actually never been happier to see the guy. With Roids 'n Homers Rincon still at large, we could probably use Jesse's well-sculpted facial hair in the bullpen.
Kubel draws a 2-out walk just to shake things up a bit, and Buscher has a chance to make something happen. Hopefully wearing Dave Winfield's old number will provide some inspiration.
Almost, but 400 feet to dead center later, it's an out in front of the warning track. Congratulations, Brian, on the hardest-hit ball of the afternoon.
TOP 7TH
And it's official: Chicago over Detroit. Barring unforseen circumstances or a Rincon appearance, OFT might just be headed to 4 1/2 back in this race.
Cue the Benny Hill music as three fielders chase Hafner's popup behind third, and it's Bartlett who tumbles to the turf with it.
As we head into the 7th inning stretch, has anybody else noticed that last year at this time, Puckett was getting a tribute in every home game for the duration of a whole chorus of "What a Wonderful World", while this year Herb Carneal gets about three seconds before Idiot Cam comes on the Jumbotron? I mean, certainly not to take anything away from my childhood hero, but Herb was calling games here for 50 years, at least give him a little better montage here.
BOTTOM 7TH
Tyner draws a free pass on four pitches, and Rafael Perez gets loose in the Cleveland bullpen. He's a lefty, so let's look for what wacky lineup changes Gardy will enact. Seriously, it's like a Chinese fire drill whenever a southpaw comes in.
What the hell, the Twins executing a hit-and-run? Next thing you know they'll be laying down bunts in fair territory.
Let's see what Cuddyer can do after the IBB to Mauer...
Well, you can't be too mad at him after putting together a pretty decent at-bat, fouling off a bunch of close pitches. He grounds out on a defensive swing that likely should've wound up as another foul, but the bottom line is no one crossed the plate. Baker coming back in, but Fausto won't be back; he's off to watch game tape with Mephistopheles.
TOP 8TH
Ugh, good innings never begin with bloop singles. Thankfully the Indians can't put down a bunt either.
Scott Baker with your #1 Web Gem of the day. That's actually gotta be a play of the year candidate for this team.
Wow. It took a hell of a long time, but Minnesota loves Scott Baker again. Couldn't have happened to a better guy.
BOTTOM 8TH
Defensive replacement Nick Punto does his best to keep the lead close after Kubel draws another walk, and we're headed to the showdown you all wanted to see anyway. Nathan coming in to close out the ninth and save the win for Baker.
TOP 9TH
Good afternoon, Grady Sizemore.
Good evening, Kenny Lofton.
What the hell, Casey Blake, you're screwing up my clever post...
Oh, goodnight, Victor Martinez.
POSTGAME
As recently as July 23, OFT was 9 1/2 games back in the AL Central, but thanks to an earlier-than-expected collapse by Detroit and Cleveland, that deficit is down to 4 1/2. Though the offense still has plenty of its own issues to work through, they've managed to get some big hits when they need to, and of course both ends of the pitching staff have been nothing short of lights-out. Remember what I said last week about Scott Baker being close to in the running for Team MVP of the season? Well, he certainly didn't hurt that campaign today. Right now there's not a guy I would rather have facing the Yankees in the playoffs.
Well, it's been lovely putting together this little game diary, and I must give a hearty tip of my TC hat to the fine folks at Pulling a Blyleven for doing these things for damn near every game for almost a year. Come back quick, boys...but don't hurt yourselves.
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