You know what really grinds my gears? Those ignorant, ungrateful Minnesotans who read my columns for free online, click on the posted e-mail address at the bottom of the page, and utilize their God-given right to disagree with a newspaper columnist's opinions no matter how ridiculous or contra-dictory they may be. Here are some other reasons that Minnesota can go eat a dick sandwich with horseradish sauce:Kevin Garnett: Yeah, he's gone now, but if I have to hear one more time about how much Wolves fans miss him, I swear I'm gonna have to make some sort of poultry joke about it. Seriously; the Wolves are doing great without him! He was a bum anyway! Al Jefferson is the second coming of Jesus Christ! I have no idea what I'm fucking talking about!
The Walker Art Center: Seriously, what a fucking eyesore. How queer is that spoon-and-cherry thing anyway?
Little Big League: Another example of Minnesota settling for second-best. And I'm not talking about the Twins losing at the end of the movie: Rookie of the Year blew this one out of the water. Billy Heywood still beats Carl Pohlad, though.
The Guthrie: Pssh. Peer Gynt is just the Norwegian Forrest Gump anyway.
Snow: Fuck snow.
Bloggers: There's a special spot in the deepest, slimiest part of Lake Minnetonka reserved for these guys. Because I believe every stereotype ever, bloggers are all pale, unemployed nerdlingers with nothing better to do than form thoughtful, crafted opinions based on numbers and logic. Hah! They'll never get laid, because that is entirely relevant here!
Trust me, guys: Leave the opinion-forming to someone who knows how to make a well-placed Ally McBeal joke.
